Athletes that can Lick my Left One:
1. Roger Clemens, Every MLB team with a big wallet (including virtually every team in the AL East): If this man has a soul, you can slap my ass and call me Wilomena.
2. Diego Maradona, Argentina: Everyone knows the Hand of God goal in 1986 versus England was absolute larceny. He also single-handedly reduced the amount of cocaine being smuggled into North America by snorting most of it before it got there.
3. Adam "Pacman" Jones, Titans: This man has the potential to be one of (and maybe eventually THE) best cover corner in the NFL. But he doesn't know how to do anything but be a criminal. That means he belongs in prison with the sodomites.
4. Barry Bonds, Giants: He hates his fans, he hates MLB brass, he hates white people — basically he hates virtually everyone except his father Bobby Bonds, Hank Aaron and maybe his accountant. He's isolated himself so that even most fans in his home city can't stand him. Oh, and he's a cheater.
5. Mike Ribiero, Canadiens/Stars: After his flopping and acting that had European footballers rolling their eyes, I lost any shred of respect I had for this jerk-off. Joe Thornton should have ended this guy's life in the Boston-Montreal playoff series a few years back.
6. Tiger Woods, USA: Tiger will end his career as the best golfer every to step foot on a green. He will break all of Jack Nicklaus' records, that's pretty much guaranteed. What I don't like about him is his infant-like temper tantrums — throwing clubs, breaking clubs, gouging greens and looking like he's going to cry every time he hits a poor shot (which, admittedly, isn't very often). I'm also jealous of Woods' hot wife. Hence, fuck this guy.
7. Sean Avery, Rangers: Avery is likely the biggest pest in the NHL. People hate playing against him, and although he'd be an asset on your team if you were a coach or GM, he's also very candid and volatile. Plus, he gets to date Elisha Cuthbert. Nice guys really do finish last.
8. Johnny Damon, Red Sox/Yankees: Any BoSox fan will tell you that, after his ship-jumping antics in 2005, Damon deserves a spot in the deepest pit of hell. Much unlike Matt Damon, who is pretty cool.
9. Joey Porter, Steelers/Dolphins: Firstly, Pittsburgh and Miami are two of my most hated NFL teams. Secondly, Joey Porter has virtually no command of the English language. Thirdly, any man who is such an idiot should learn to keep his mouth shut. Porter got shot in the ass last season; I wish the gunman aimed a few feet higher.
10. Jerome Bettis, Steelers: This loudmouth was a dominant power runner in the NFL, before he got fat and sloppy. Anyone who posts Hall of Fame credentials (like Bettis did) should know better than to celebrate like a goof after running for a two-yard first down. Get some class, Jerome.
11. Terrell Owens, 49ers/Eagles/Cowboys: This is a tough selection. As a Cowboys fan, I have to cheer for T.O. now by default, but there's no question that this guy is a team cancer. He's a horrible role model and he's overrated, when you examine how many drops he had last season. For a guy with SO MUCH ability, he doesn't get much out of it.
12. John Rocker, Braves: This redneck gives any Southerner a bad name. He's stupid, he's racist, and near the end of his career he got his tits ripped worse than a Malibu housewife.
13. Gary Sheffield, Tigers: A prime candidate in need of KYFMS (Keep Your Fucking Mouth Shut) Syndrome. It's a good thing this guy can pull a baseball.
14. Vince Carter, Raptors/Nets: VC started a disturbing trend of players who just stop trying when they want to force a trade somewhere. The fact he started this phenomenon while on my hometown team was a tad frustrating.
15. Dany Heatley, Senators: This guy is a great Canadian hockey player, that I can't deny. But as a Leafs fan, Heatley plays for the arch-rival Sens. Plus, I would never get in a car with him (classless on my part, I know, but I couldn't help it).
16. Mike Comrie, Senators: This man's father is the owner of The Brick furniture stores. His family is worth oodles of money, yet he decided to hold out from his hometown team in Edmonton for more money. What a greedy prick. He also now plays for Ottawa.
17. A.J. Pierzynski, White Sox: A.J. is a conceited loudmouth. I estimate that 88% of Major League pitchers would like to throw a beanball at his head. Though my fastball tops out at approximately 37 MPH, add me to that list.
18. Steve Schutt, Canadiens: He played for the Habs, Toronto's historical rival. I've also met this man, and take my word for it: he is a fucking asshole.
19. Tim Thomas, Clippers: This man has the physical tools to be an NBA stud, but has never been more than mediocre. He's even worse than T.O. for having all the physical gifts in the universe, but doing virtually nothing with it. Plus, he's a pretty ugly dude.
20. Phil Mickelson, USA: I'll let Matt Larkin cover this one: go to www.spiritofjakeplummer.blogspot.com to learn why this guy is a jerk.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
The Loved
Athletes that are The Shit:
1. Todd Helton, Rockies: One of the most consummate hitters of the last decade. His power has declined in the past three seasons, but his average and OBP are still epic. Also backed up Peyton Manning at quarterback in college at Tennessee. C'mon, that's cool.
2. Gary Roberts, Maple Leafs*: The grittiest player, with the most heart, on a consistent string of competitive Toronto teams in and around the turn of the millennium.
3. Mats Sundin, Maple Leafs*: Will go down, along with Darryl Sittler, as the most productive Maple Leaf of all time.
4. Nick Faldo, England: A product of English parents who love golf, I've always had a soft spot for this chap, who put forth a heartwarming performance in the 1996 Masters — not to mention he's now a classic in the booth.
5. Drew Bledsoe, Patriots/Cowboys: Although a statue, I've always loved this cannon-armed passer, from his prolific career as a Washington State Cougar to his 1996 Super Bowl appearance to the myriad scores he's chucked to Terry Glenn (on my two favourite NFL teams, no less).
6. Jason Varitek, Red Sox: A prototype of what a baseball catcher should be...a capable hitter, a leader, a comforting presence with the pitching staff and a true student of the game.
7. Larry Bird, Celtics: Larry Legend. Enough people have covered why this guy kicked ass.
8. Tim Duncan, Spurs: For those that criticize his lack of flair, go watch WWE. On the basketball court, all Duncan does is win. That's why they play the game in the first place.
9. David Robinson, Spurs: This veteran of the U.S. Naval Academy showed Mr. Duncan the ropes (and chipped in for an NBA title) before riding off gracefully in the sunset.
10. Peyton Manning, Colts: Might retire the best quarterback of all time. If he wins another ring, should retire the best quarterback of all time.
11. Emmitt Smith, Cowboys: Was the engine of the Cowboys' offense during their 1990s legacy. As a little guy, I used to sit on the couch with my uncle and watch Emmitt rack up the yards and TDs.
12. Steve Yzerman, Red Wings: One of the classiest acts every to step on the ice. If you don't respect this man, you can't call yourself a hockey fan.
13. Joe Sakic, Avalanche: A slightly poorer man's version of Stevie Y. Has all the same qualities.
14. Michael Owen, England: Less in love with himself than David Beckham, and has been a vital cog in the national sides for England for more than a decade. Injuries have held him back somewhat, but when he's 100% he's still lethal and is now an elder statesman on the pitch.
15. Mike Weir, Canada: Very refreshing to see a Canadian win the prized major at Augusta. But Mike, be honest with yourself and everyone else: you tell everyone you're from Bright's Grove, Ont. because Sarnia is a dump.
16. Bobby Orr, Bruins: The best defenceman in hockey history, and one of the best players of all time. The Parry Sound, Ont. native still leaves a footprint on the game.
17. Ted Williams, Red Sox: In my opinion, the best pure hitter in baseball history, and he did so while having some of his best years taken away during the Second World War.
18. David Wright, Mets: This young superstar is one of the more down to earth players in the game. In the off-season, Wright still lives with his parents and goes to watch his younger brother's Little League games. And yes, this man is an MLB All-Star.
19. Jarome Iginla, Flames: Arguably the best captain in the NHL today. When he plays with some fire, virtually no one can stop him. Iggy plays like every Canadian (and indeed, every hockey player) should.
20. Tony Gwynn, Padres: Probably the best contact hitter in my lifetime, this absolute gentleman now coaches at San Diego State.
*While most Leafs fans would question why I have Sundin and Roberts but left Wendel and Dougie off the list — I'm a Leafs fan that didn't tune into hockey until much later, around 1998-99. While I've heard all the magical things about the 1993 season, enough other long-tenured Toronto fans could re-hash Gilmour and Clark. At least with the Leafs on this list, I chose to discuss the guys I remember watching plenty of.
1. Todd Helton, Rockies: One of the most consummate hitters of the last decade. His power has declined in the past three seasons, but his average and OBP are still epic. Also backed up Peyton Manning at quarterback in college at Tennessee. C'mon, that's cool.
2. Gary Roberts, Maple Leafs*: The grittiest player, with the most heart, on a consistent string of competitive Toronto teams in and around the turn of the millennium.
3. Mats Sundin, Maple Leafs*: Will go down, along with Darryl Sittler, as the most productive Maple Leaf of all time.
4. Nick Faldo, England: A product of English parents who love golf, I've always had a soft spot for this chap, who put forth a heartwarming performance in the 1996 Masters — not to mention he's now a classic in the booth.
5. Drew Bledsoe, Patriots/Cowboys: Although a statue, I've always loved this cannon-armed passer, from his prolific career as a Washington State Cougar to his 1996 Super Bowl appearance to the myriad scores he's chucked to Terry Glenn (on my two favourite NFL teams, no less).
6. Jason Varitek, Red Sox: A prototype of what a baseball catcher should be...a capable hitter, a leader, a comforting presence with the pitching staff and a true student of the game.
7. Larry Bird, Celtics: Larry Legend. Enough people have covered why this guy kicked ass.
8. Tim Duncan, Spurs: For those that criticize his lack of flair, go watch WWE. On the basketball court, all Duncan does is win. That's why they play the game in the first place.
9. David Robinson, Spurs: This veteran of the U.S. Naval Academy showed Mr. Duncan the ropes (and chipped in for an NBA title) before riding off gracefully in the sunset.
10. Peyton Manning, Colts: Might retire the best quarterback of all time. If he wins another ring, should retire the best quarterback of all time.
11. Emmitt Smith, Cowboys: Was the engine of the Cowboys' offense during their 1990s legacy. As a little guy, I used to sit on the couch with my uncle and watch Emmitt rack up the yards and TDs.
12. Steve Yzerman, Red Wings: One of the classiest acts every to step on the ice. If you don't respect this man, you can't call yourself a hockey fan.
13. Joe Sakic, Avalanche: A slightly poorer man's version of Stevie Y. Has all the same qualities.
14. Michael Owen, England: Less in love with himself than David Beckham, and has been a vital cog in the national sides for England for more than a decade. Injuries have held him back somewhat, but when he's 100% he's still lethal and is now an elder statesman on the pitch.
15. Mike Weir, Canada: Very refreshing to see a Canadian win the prized major at Augusta. But Mike, be honest with yourself and everyone else: you tell everyone you're from Bright's Grove, Ont. because Sarnia is a dump.
16. Bobby Orr, Bruins: The best defenceman in hockey history, and one of the best players of all time. The Parry Sound, Ont. native still leaves a footprint on the game.
17. Ted Williams, Red Sox: In my opinion, the best pure hitter in baseball history, and he did so while having some of his best years taken away during the Second World War.
18. David Wright, Mets: This young superstar is one of the more down to earth players in the game. In the off-season, Wright still lives with his parents and goes to watch his younger brother's Little League games. And yes, this man is an MLB All-Star.
19. Jarome Iginla, Flames: Arguably the best captain in the NHL today. When he plays with some fire, virtually no one can stop him. Iggy plays like every Canadian (and indeed, every hockey player) should.
20. Tony Gwynn, Padres: Probably the best contact hitter in my lifetime, this absolute gentleman now coaches at San Diego State.
*While most Leafs fans would question why I have Sundin and Roberts but left Wendel and Dougie off the list — I'm a Leafs fan that didn't tune into hockey until much later, around 1998-99. While I've heard all the magical things about the 1993 season, enough other long-tenured Toronto fans could re-hash Gilmour and Clark. At least with the Leafs on this list, I chose to discuss the guys I remember watching plenty of.
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